I used to (and still do) get really in my head about success. Especially with the way society is today; a big fear these days for a lot of people is the idea of ‘settling.’ Settling in relationships, careers, friendships. Settling into old versions of ourselves.

No one really wants to ‘settle.’ But what does that word actually mean? Whoever you ask, there’s a different definition. We usually hear it in motivational speeches, in videos, thrown around online to boost engagement and secure success for someone else. Maybe we hear it in conversations with our friends. “You can have it all – the dream life, the dream body, the career, the relationship. Don’t allow anything less than perfection. Don’t lower your standards for anything.”

It sounds good. It’s a lie.

The lie is that perfection exists. That once you work hard enough, raise your standards high enough, and reach that final point, the hard work stops. That you’re finally where you need to be. That from there everything comes easily and there are no more worries. It’s a glorified end destination that never really arrives.

I used to overthink the idea of ‘success’ and ‘making it’ all the time. I would FaceTime my friend and spiral for three hours, convinced that I’d never be who I want to be, and that the fear of that insignificance was too much to bear. That the world was so big, and I had no idea what my place was in it.

The strangest part is, I would think this to the point of collapse, yet not even have a defined idea of who the person I wanted to become was. It was made up of things I thought were expected of me, things I saw other people have, and I assumed that if I didn’t have those things, then I hadn’t achieved anything.

A feared ‘small’ life for me was one that was ordinary. That I could be just anyone, living a life that everyone else lives. That I could be forgotten. Leave with no impact.

Sometimes I wonder what the difference is between settling and just living in one portion of the world. One narrow slice. Is it settling if I don’t want everything? Don’t get me wrong, I want a lot of things. But my biggest tension is wanting so much that I’m never happy with anything. This idea of constantly going for more, needing more, projected everywhere under the guise of self-improvement and achievement, exhausts me. How many of these lives are actually fulfilled and aligned? What do you really gain when the goal becomes to purely want, to keep chasing and chasing?

I see this dilemma in my own life. I want a large life, of course I do. But when it comes to happiness and fulfilment, how does that fit in? When does enough become enough? And how do you move intentionally when the subconscious goal is to constantly acquire?

I think sometimes we imagine ‘not settling’ as living in a frictionless world. A world of ‘peace’ where everything goes purely our way, and we have everything we could ever need. But ‘not settling’ still means living with discomfort. It still means being unsure. It still means not always making the right decision.

I’ve delayed choosing in case something ‘better’ might exist. Especially being young – you never know what the future has in store. I’ve disguised it as alignment before, but constantly scanning for better, instead of building better, hurts.

Sometimes ‘high standards’ are just fear dressed up as self-respect.

It’s exhausting. It’s relentless. Nothing ever compares to how things are in your head. The more options there are, the harsher the feeling that I could be choosing wrong. That I’ll be trapped in a life I don’t want. That I’ll be hurting myself in some way. Lose time I could have spent doing something else. Lose who I am and not being able to get back to it. Lose opportunities and miss out. I hear the avoidance creeping out, don’t worry.

It stops me from fully inhabiting what I already have. I’m constantly searching for lack, therefore all I find is lack. In myself. In the world around me. Other people always have it better. They find things I don’t, take steps that I don’t. Live freely.

An ex-boyfriend once told me I’ll never be happy with the small things, because I’m constantly looking for things to be perfect. It resonated with me deep down, so I didn’t break up with him that day. Ironically, the one time I thought I was making the right decision – sticking with something that wasn’t ‘perfect’ in an effort to build – allowed me to tolerate less than bare minimum behaviour for another six months.

I don’t hold on to that. But it made me question what ‘settling’ actually is.

I would now define ‘settling’ as not trying. Looking for better rather than being better. Externalising your fears onto the world rather than looking inwards. Betraying yourself by opting out, or chasing for more rather than choosing what is aligned.

Choosing a corner of the world is making your scope smaller. Not your dreams, but your approach. Not avoiding the work. Not holding onto a fake version of what a dream life looks like. Staying aligned with the things you actually value.

I used to imagine having it all meant a peaceful life I no longer have to work for. I believed negative feelings would disappear, that I wouldn’t experience the friction of being human in the same way. Even my imagined bad days weren’t ‘real’ bad days. They were days where I overcame things, but with minimal struggle and emotion.

I think of how many connections, opportunities, passions we’ve walked away from because they weren’t ‘peaceful,’ and we took discomfort to mean ‘not for me.’ We used the blanket term ‘settling’ because we actually had to still work for something. Still show up. Still grow. It’s much easier to pretend you didn’t want it in the first place.

What I suspect is true about success is that it’s what you make of it. It’s what fulfils you. It’s not something you arrive at one day, but something you choose every day, through your actions and your outlook.

Life does not become permanently easy if you’re constantly growing. It becomes easy when you’re comfortable. Truly settling. Not wanting to be better than you are, but chasing distractions. Busy-ness for the sake of being busy. Achievements for the sake of achieving.

I’m a big believer that we should have it all. And we should. But that doesn’t come with ease or perfection. I can aim for the stars in my own way and still choose my small corner of the world.

This fear of not settling can make you not choose anything. Because nothing will ever be good enough.

I don’t need to conquer the whole world.

I just need to choose a part of it, and build something meaningful there.