Unwrittn

Picture that ‘ideal’ version of yourself. The one you aspire to be. Do they actually feel like you, or like a stranger you’re trying to become?

We create perfect future selves as if we’re fixing perceived flaws. We imagine them as us 5 or 10 years on, but in reality, they’re more of an idol rather than part of our identity. Closer to a mask we put on than a veritable future. Finding things to change about ourselves is as easy as breathing, but there’s a limit to how much change is improvement, until it shades into erasure.

My own ‘perfect self’ wakes at 6am, works out, eats perfectly, looks flawless before 9am, and is calm, logical, polished. That version of me feels possible in theory, but as someone who has always been terrible with routines, struggles with her appetite, is known for being emotional rather than logical and is a little socially awkward, I wonder how much of that is self-improvement vs erasure.

Strangely, thinking about that version of me does bring me comfort. Whenever I mess up, I mentally retreat to my picture-perfect self, who would never make mistakes or say the wrong thing. It’s falsely comforting, and kind of addicting. It’s like micro-dopamine – I get to feel the illusion of becoming her without actually doing anything at all.

I used to think imagining her was motivating, but as I grow, my life looks less and less like hers. Not in a bad way, just less polished. I realise I didn’t account for real emotions that can dip and swell, real life circumstances that can catch you unaware, and traits I have that will always be instilled in me.

But we’re pushed to do this, taught to change whatever we can to get as close to perfection as possible. Every movie montage before and after, life-makeover content. We get sucked into people narrating reinventions of their lives over clips of lemon water and early alarms. Countless content on TikTok and YouTube showing you how to become ‘unrecognisable’ – just further selling the idea that you need to change who you are in order to be accepted. It’s like we’re praised for abandoning our current selves and calling it ambition.

However, when your aim is to become ‘unrecognisable’ you’re trying to escape a version of yourself you can’t outrun, and one that will always be one step behind you. You cross the line into avoidance of who you are, which only resurfaces later. We really end up just hiding us from ourselves, and we try to fix traits we would appreciate in someone else.

If I saw my emotional capacity in someone else, for example, I would think it was an admirable trait. So, why have I decided it was a flaw along the way? Without it, I would no longer be me. I can’t will myself into being logical rather than emotional, as then I’ll be denying a huge part of who I am. I can, however, accept that my emotions get the best of me sometimes, and give myself more time to make decisions when I’m feeling impulsive. True improvement works with who you are, not against it.

There’s more than one way to become the person you want to be. It does start by accepting who you are now. You can’t learn to love yourself while actively sprinting from your own reflection.

The next time you picture your ideal self in your head, ask yourself. Am I trying to improve myself, or replace myself?

I don’t think the real goal is to become that perfect me at all, but maybe to stop seeing her as someone so separate from me. To give her some of my ‘flaws’ so she’s less like a barbie-fied version of me, and more like someone I can be inspired by. Someone I can actually meet halfway.