Unwrittn

You know that little voice in your head that convinces you everything you’ve ever done is wrong? No? Just me then…

If you have an internal monologue and an inch of self-awareness, you’ve probably reflected on at least one or two of your actions. Maybe you’ve thought about a conversation gone wrong while you’re trying to sleep at two am, or thought that maybe you should have helped that old lady cross the street. If you have a more active inner voice, it can sound like constant radio chatter up there. I fall into the latter category.

It’s always stressed how important it is to practice ‘positive self-talk’ and to ‘be kind to yourself’ – well, I never said anything outright mean to myself, so I thought I had those two boxes checked off.

In fact, I didn’t realise I had a harsh inner critic until I was sat in my therapist’s office, and she was telling me I put too much pressure on myself. I looked back at her a little puzzled – of course I put pressure on myself, how else am I supposed to get things done?

So, I shrugged her off and acted as if I knew best. Still, that small comment from her gave me the slight awareness I needed to pay more attention to how I spoke to myself. I started to hear the way I criticised myself for taking a break, listened to how the voice chastised me if I did something ‘well’ but not ‘well enough’. I had never considered myself a perfectionist before, as nothing I ever did was perfect.

*Cue every therapist screaming at the screen – that’s the point!*

But, surprise surprise, I realised my therapist was right. I did put pressure on myself, because I wanted to push myself. What I didn’t understand, was that there was a fine line between pushing myself, and punishing myself.

I also hadn’t put together that by punishing myself, I was moving further away from the things I wanted to achieve. I had big goals and dreams, but I always felt like there was a block to me acting on them. I found it hard to get started on the things I wanted to work on, as nothing I could ever start with could live up to the expectations of the finished product I already had in my head.

I would compare myself to these accomplished professionals and masters of their craft, discarding the years of experience and hours of practice they put in every day, and use their ‘talent’ as an excuse for why I just wasn’t good enough. Essentially, also doing those incredible people a disservice and undermining the labour they had to put in to get to where they are.

Recently, I’ve seen a phrase re-circling the internet, particularly in regards to pop stars Sabrina Carpenter and Olivia Dean – “It takes ten years to become an overnight success.”

We don’t see the process of their rise to fame / success – or rather we don’t pay attention. We can look at someone and say it’s natural talent, but of course that goes hand in hand with hard work put in every day.

Understanding that was the first step to quieting that harsh inner voice. Every time I had put pen to paper, I would be scared to write. I knew whatever I came out with wouldn’t be the best thing ever written. I will admit, that is a high standard I set for myself.

I had to tell myself repeatedly that doing something badly was only the beginning of the process, not the end. I spent too much time worrying about the end result, I never wanted to go through the process of actually trying.

I think we’re also in a society where we’re valued on what we can do and what we bring – not who we are – that it feels there’s no room for mistakes or learning. We need to be able to provide something, otherwise what are we here for?

The societal pressure adds to the already existing pressure in our minds. Everything moves so quickly – we’re constantly on the hunt for the next achievement, the next challenge.

In fact, wins aren’t celebrated as much as expected. So, if you’re not achieving, or even just standing still, it feels like a loss. No one is rewarded for trying, but revered when they ‘suddenly’ succeed.

We need to strip that mindset back and allow ourselves to work towards something and be bad at it. Not everything needs the instant gratification of success. The road may be longer, but it’s just as sweet.