Unwrittn

As the gender wars spike even further with the ‘male loneliness epidemic’ and the rise of red pill content, the rift between the men and the women of this generation feels almost irreparable.

When I first saw the article in Vogue, I focused less on the article itself, and more on the reactions to it. A lot of women felt validated in their decision not to date and in their single status, a lot of men were offended, and there was a good mix in the middle that just didn’t care.

Overall, the article seems to be adding fuel to an already growing fire online. But is this article just another form of ‘rage bait’ to attract attention and spark debate, or is there something deeper?

The article talks about the fear of getting the ‘evil eye’ from onlookers into relationships, a desire to maintain freedom, and a continued step away from the traditional happily-ever-after of marriage and family. There was also talk about a loss of ‘aura’ whilst in a relationship — I myself can relate to that one.

I think there’s no dispute that the dating world has become confused. More confused than it ever was (not that I was around to see it). I’m also not the first person to talk about it, nor will I be the last. So why is this? Why is dating so hard today? And will men and women ever find peace?

As we do move away from that stereotypical happily ever after, women are increasingly focusing on their own lives and ambitions, and the mask on the male gender starts to slip. As teenagers, a lot of us look at men with stars in our eyes, thinking they’ll be the solution to all our problems. Then we grow, and we start to see the socks left out on the floor, the dishes left in the sink, the emotional toll on our lives, and we start to think that maybe it’s actually a burden.

We’ve also grown seeing the stories of our parents, grandparents, maybe a parent’s friend — there’s always at least one relationship where you think, ‘Why are you still together?’

In movies, when the husbands were jokingly made fun of for not knowing how to cook or find their way around the store, I didn’t find that endearing. When a couple cheated and got back together — I didn’t think it was brave that they worked through their issues. With the exception of Mitch and Gail in Dawson’s Creek.

It was all just passed off as something to be expected. For women to hold the emotional burden of the relationship. To act, essentially, as a second mother. To put up with bad behaviour and let it go because of ‘love’ and expectation.

I’ve been the person in the relationship who has done everything for their partner, put myself on hold, cleaned, cooked, tried to be who they wanted so I’d be loved. What did I gain? A loss of identity and confusion over why the things I did weren’t enough.

Even in the relationships where I didn’t ‘over-give’ and I was loved, I still lost myself. Because although he wasn’t a bad person, I still carried the emotional weight of the relationship. I still found myself not receiving back the things I gave. And it’s not that he didn’t want to; he just didn’t even think about his actions or what he was giving me.

I felt that I just couldn’t grow in that relationship, there was nothing bad, it was just stagnant. There wasn’t room for me to really evolve. I felt myself putting my dreams and goals aside. Making myself smaller. As I’d seen so many other women do in my life. Why should that be the case?

It’s not that women don’t ever want love or partnership, but we shouldn’t just accept it in any form it comes.

Personally, I do want love. I do want partnership. But I want an adult that will support my dreams, my ambitions, inspire me, be able to function on his own, and have emotional intelligence.

As otherwise, what am I inviting into my life? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Love on its own is never enough. And if I’m going to pick someone to be with for life, they can’t be a factor in making things worse, or even just be okay, but instead influence me positively in some way.

So, do I think having a boyfriend is embarrassing? No. I think having a bad boyfriend is embarrassing, and always has been. I think the dating scene is embarrassing. With all of the ghosting, cheating, non-committalness. I respect myself more than that.

But also, I think we need to remember that online isn’t necessarily real life, and things are a lot less worse than they appear to be on the internet. And I think it’s possible to be independent, achieve your dreams, and also have love. You just need to be a bit more intentional with who you choose.